The Most Lonely

I don't know when I first heard the word abortion growing up. It was probably at school (oh, yes this post is about abortion). It was an idea that was as far from my experience of life as illness and death. It provoked no particular reaction in me. I think I thought that if you got raped you didn't have to have the baby and that seemed reasonable. Again, I thought nothing much about it for years. I was too busy worrying if Julian, the cute boy beside me was going to pass me a pencil and brush his finger against my hand.

Ok, fine, at 23 yrs old I might still be thinking of romantic pencil passing, but it's become impossible to put the reality of abortion somewhere across the room where I feel more comfortable so I don't have to look at it too close. It's a quiet thing, abortion. It's private. Most abortion clinics look like any normal building with a number or a vague title. It happens far away, and if it doesn't affect me, well that's alright then, right? But so many bad things don't affect me and I'm too busy trying not to offend anyone so that at least everybody will think I'm great. I've spent most of my life trying not to hurt people, but that's actually a very selfish thing. It's about me being liked, not about the other person. A painful question might save someone from perpetual regret. So I'm going to write about abortion for a little while and what I learned and what I felt in the span of 48 hours.

A few weeks ago everyone was talking about going to March for Life down in D.C. If you don't know what that is that is not surprising, since the media tries to down play or not feature the event at all in the news. It's basically a rally advocating that all life be respecting and protected by the law. I couldn't tell you much more about it because I didn't go.

Intellectually, I grasped that abortion was immoral sometime in my late teens when I actually gave it some mind space, but no great passion gripped my heart to stand in front of clinics and save babies. I didn't know anybody who was pregnant that didn't want their baby so it remained impersonal. I knew plenty of people who cared deeply about it, including my baby sister. I applauded them and wondered why I couldn't feel more passionate. Was I just unable to care? If abortion was the action of a mother being able to kill her unborn child I should feel something. I wanted to care about those girls and the things they must be feeling and going through.

So while everybody was at the rally I decided to stay home and my friend Linda proposed an alternative plan. She wanted to go pray outside Planned Parenthood and hand the girls coming in some information about where they could go to get free ultrasounds and support before they went in and went through with it. That sounded wonderful. I felt really drawn to that because that meant I could be really personal and close to the girls. I wanted to know their faces.

Before that of course I had to brush up on information and advice on how to approach people who might be in devastating situations. I thought it smart to look at embryonic development week to week to see how a baby developed. I never thought this simple task would become so intense to go through. At the end of reading the descriptions I could hardly breathe. Here are the descriptions week to week that I got off a website called Pregnancy.org. I encourage you to go through all the weeks.

http://www.pregnancy.org/fetaldevelopment

I felt like I was going to fall off my chair after reading this. I had no idea it would ever be this easy to truly believe with my heart and my mind that abortion was absolutely wrong, and it irked me that the idea hardly bothered anyone. I knew that the decision to terminate a pregnancy must be horrendously difficult for some people, but even a woman in a dire situation wouldn't think that killing her born child was an option. Anyways I thought lots of things, but I had to stop myself so I could learn a little about how to talk to the girls going into an abortion clinic. How do you reach out to someone who is at least in her mind about to do something scary if not awful. I knew Jesus would talk to them full of love and compassion, so I figured that was the way to do it. A really wonderful woman who had a lot of experience in this situation gave a lot of good advice online: No big signs, no shouting, no pro-life shirts, no big crowds, etc, etc. You are trying to connect to a woman and to love her and show her she is not alone.

When Linda, Mairead and I arrived at Planned Parenthood on a brutally cold morning, we found to our dismay, a big group of protestors, with big signs, etc, etc. They were trying to do good, but they just ended up usually repelling the girls. So we prayed quietly on the side and I cried as I saw their faces. One girl was very young, blonde and accompanied by her mother. One poor girl was left alone by her boyfriend who sped up to walk through the doors of the clinic, his face hidden behind his hood. The girl talked to a few people who gave her some options then she went in. It was impossible to talk to anybody since so many people walked by.

The whole thing was a chilling experience. There had been so many of them. When I got home I felt restless and a little emotionally exhausted. I decided to look for some statistics and I checked them in several places to make sure they were as accurate as possible.

From: http://www.abortionno.org/Resources/fastfacts.html

1% of all abortions occur because of rape or incest; 6% of abortions occur because of potential health problems regarding either the mother or child, and 93% of all abortions occur for social reasons (i.e. the child is unwanted or inconvenient).

How many abortions per year?

http://www.abort73.com/abortion_facts/us_abortion_statistics/In 2005 (the most recent year for which there is reliable data), approximately 1.21 million abortions took place in the U.S., down from an estimated 1.29 million in 2002, 1.31 million in 2000 and 1.36 million in 1996. From 1973 through 2005, more than 45 million legal abortions have occurred in the U.S. (AGI).

It's been a few weeks and I don't think the experience has sunk in completely. I hope that God guides me to do something good with this new found passion. I have been contemplating on the idea of having an extra room in my apartment not only for guests but for pregnant women who need temporary housing. I'd like to actually act and not just write, so if you know me, please challenge me to do so! For now I leave you with these thoughts:

A law will not make people want abortions any less, but a change of heart will. The only reason I think it is important that the law be changed in this case is because the law is in place to protect people. The law should protect both the woman and the child. And I think it's perfectly fine for me to ask for more for my people. The US is producing a generation of people who live for quick fixes. A generation that cannot wait for sex, that cannot own up to the results of their actions, a generation who'd rather "get it taken care of" than take care of their own. Abortion should not become so blasé that it can be seen as a quick fix or akin to a form of birth control. We want to have everything with no consequence, no bump in the road. God forbid we sacrifice ourselves for another. I'm not trying to point any fingers, but I think it's important to take abortion seriously. I also think there are good ways and bad ways of going about this issue. Love is imperative. It cannot be about getting your way. Your time will be better spent being present to young girls in crisis pregnancies than wearing a shirt that says Pro-Life. Hearts will be changed even if the law isn't. And for those who pray, pray especially for the girls who feel alone and feel like they have no other choice.

love,

Fabi

The Finished Palette

I finally finished!

My senior year I wrote a children's book about the youth of Karol Wojtyla, who came to be Pope John Paul the II. He was my childhood Papa and I loved him. His warmth seemed so effortless I wondered if he was naturally affable or became so as he went along his life. It wasn't until after his death that my admiration for him became personal and passionate, as I researched his life and heard the witness of those that knew him well. He was a man who's heart beat for the Lord and this project is a tribute to him because his life is a testimony of how Jesus works through the most desperate times in our lives if we would only take up our cross and follow him.

'Lolek' was JPII's nickname as a child and this entire story, although for children is meant to evoke the beauty, the pain and new life found in Christ's most merciful passion through the experiences of a boy living during WWII and the communist reign that followed or at least I hope it does! I'm trying to keep it very poetic and natural . You'll let me know if I did a good job once I'm able to get it published... somewhere. I'm working on it.

Presents for the Fam

Admittedly I'm both on cloud 9 and exhausted after a couple of weeks of trying to get his done, shopping, wrapping and still managing to the make the Advent Retreat- amazing!- and preparing to see my extended family in Mexico. I haven't seen them in 2 years and I'm about to pop.

Safe travels!

Fabi

~

‎"True holiness does not mean a flight from the world; rather, it lies in the effort to incarnate the Gospel in everyday life..."-jpii

The Blue Project

Sunday

Every Saturday I get together with a group of young adults called Young Heralds of Pauline Evangelization (yHope) –apparently all the short simple names were taken by the 6^th century- to celebrate Jesus and to strengthen each other so we can proclaim the Gospel, particularly through media. We’re going on a day retreat somewhere in Maine to celebrate Advent. Fr. Mike, who helps coordinate this whole thing, asked us for our favorite colors. Why? No one had any idea, but I chose blue. This morning I got an e-mail explaining what my color choice would entail.

The color blue, in this case, represents harmony; order and equilibrium in everything and I’ve been challenged to live out harmony in Christ and his Church this week.

“Whoever receives this color must try to internalize order in all that he/she does: put order in his/her bedroom, study, at work and at meals, as well as order in the personal life, thoughts, attitudes, conscience, way of dressing, cleanliness, etc”

How ironic since last week was so terribly unharmonious for me. I forgot to go to Mass to celebrate the Immaculate Conception on Wednesday, I’ve been putting off finishing a novena, my apartment was rather a mess, I skipped the gym several times, I ran out of clean clothing, I’ve been distracted at work and my mind has been cluttered with anything but God’s incredible love.

I don’t know if Fr. Mike knows I have a soft spot for creative projects involving COLORS and GOD, but The Lord does and it’s very sweet of him to send me this so that getting back on the horse won’t be too painful. What’s more I’m supposed to talk about my experience on the retreat so I think it is especially important for me to recount my successes and blunders this week. It’s going to be interesting.

Lolek- Cover Line Art and Color Studies

Hello Friends!

This is so exciting! I can believe I'm actually going back into the children's book I wrote back at RISD my senior year.

This little book is about Lolek or Pope John Paul II when he was a boy. I hope you all enjoy this journey with me as I rehash this project so I can send it out to potential publishers. For now, here is the line art and color studies I am using for the final cover art.

Hugs,

Fabi

My Inferiority Complex, The Devil and God

I have yet to meet somebody whom at some point of his or her life has not tried to compensate for qualities he or she is lacking. For my entire life I have used my facility in the arts to boost the self-esteem that was slowly depleted as I realized I couldn’t compete for praise in other areas. First I realized that I wasn’t society’s ideal of physical beauty, so as I covered up my thighs and looked at my nose in the mirror, I thought at least I can draw. In middle school I was top of my class without even trying, but throughout High school and college excelling in academics became harder and harder, until every so often I felt dumb. I felt awkward at large parties; I had no idea how popular people enraptured an audience. But still I told myself at least I can paint. When all my cousins and friends began to have steady boyfriends and get married, I’d think, I’ve been gifted; I can draw.

So as you can expect the days when I couldn’t quite paint what I wanted and “worse” when the very ideas and worlds I wanted to convey were done more beautifully and effortlessly by close friends of mine, I felt very, very small. I dreaded being compared, I dreaded being glanced over. I dreaded having nothing to offer. At that moment I felt ugly, dumb, unloved, and not good enough. And worse I felt sorry for myself. I had all the comforts in the world, but I felt empty. On top of it all I was ungrateful. I hated myself.

~

It is a terribly thing to be caught in so great a lie. The devil, I am convinced, loves using small insecurities to create obsessions over things that are lies. For in fact I am not the most beautiful, but often people remark that I am pretty. I might not be able to debate with great wit and write with ease, but I’m most certainly not dumb. I might not have a boyfriend, but I feel truly loved by others. And yes, I’m not the best artist, but I’m pretty darn good.

How is it then that every once in a while I found myself in a deep well of insecurity, feeling so small like I had nothing to offer?

Well, there are several ways to get to that awful place and I’m going to tell you my theories. I’m pretty sure I’m right. The lies you believe might be different, but maybe you’ve experienced something similar.

The Devil lost me long ago, but he is still around looking at any moment to get me back. He is not an idiot he knows that I’m no longer (usually) drawn into serious sin when I am weak, so he has to take a few extra steps. He’s crossed off a few choices that he can’t coax me into anymore, because I know they won’t make me happy. I know they’re sugarcoated poison. But I’m still sensitive and often insecure and that’s all he needs to work with.

The key for the evil one’s plan is now even subtler. He will make me believe that by pursuing and fulfilling the ideals of beauty, fame, intelligence, popularity and romance I will become a whole and worthy person. Only then will this insecurity fade. After all, wanting to be attractive, acknowledged, smart and well liked aren’t bad things. The word ‘sin’ doesn’t immediately come to mind…

In retrospect, I realize that I’ve been coaxed and that I’ve listened.

…So go my dear, pursue these things for look at yourself, young men are now used to looking upon perfect women, you wouldn’t want to disappoint. Nobody will every take you seriously if you can’t match their knowledge of history, and look how alone you felt during all those parties, better work on that too. It is wise for you to worry about the future; you don’t want to come home to an empty house every night, do you? Now, don’t look so sad my dear, at least you are doing well with your art, but isn’t it too bad that you are still second-rate. Oh I know you get plenty of praise, but you’re still just not there. Just compare yourself. Compare yourself.

Now where is My Lord and My God in all of this?
He is waiting for my ear and heart to turn His Way and ask two very important questions. “Who am I?” and then, “What do you want of me?”.

But until I ask those questions, I find myself trying to get out of that spiral by devising plans to achieve all those goals. And the Devil is gleeful, because I have forgotten who I am and the God who loves me. These goals will never be achieved because there is always something more to covet. His lie is alive.

I know this sounds silly. But I have many friends who start tearing up because they think they don’t look good in a bathing suit, or because they are not talented enough, or smart enough. As the outsider and the friend you think they’re crazy! They’re so valuable and kind and creative. What are they talking about? You might think it’s a good idea to slap them out of such on obvious falsehood. It’s always obvious when it’s someone else.

The longer you persist in conversation with the evil one the harder it is to stop. But STOP, and turn your eyes to the heavens and call out to Jesus and ask Him, “Who am I?”And He’ll say quick and loud as thunder, “ You are my beloved daughter”, “You are my beloved son”. Then ask, “What is it you want of me?” And He’ll say, in some way or another, “Your heart; all that you are. Be perfect as my Father in heaven is perfect.”

Stay with Him there.

In that quiet I’ve seen my true self as God’s beloved daughter called to true goodness, to true perfection. Perfect looks so different in God’s eyes, and is so much more exciting!

Do not be afraid to ask! Ask often, I forget all the time.

Most people think that if they give their hearts to God they will have to forget about everything else, but the truth is once you put your confidence in God and not in yourself and what others say you must be going about your life becomes joyful, because your are no longer on an anxious pursuit to become worthy of love. Living with God is living in reality; a land of truth where all the smallest lies are brought into the light.

~

The pursuit of SELF-esteem is a distorted, winding journey, because truly we are looking for confidence in something perfect that can’t be ourselves because we are flawed. We inevitably fall into either arrogance: believing we are more than we are or self-loathing: believing we are less than we are. No wonder humility is so hard to come by and so highly prized. The humble man is so calm, so unshaken by the affairs of the world and the whispers he might hear. The humble man knows who he is and what is expected of him. He only weeps when God weeps.

Find The Light

Another little thumbnail to keep me going while I do bigger projects. I like the color, but the composition... meh. Anytime I draw something on a wacom I give up too early.

~ My Reading List ~

Finished:

Graceling by Kristin Cashore

A fantasy novel about a young girl and prince with very special talents. The writing was fair, but the author lost me when the female character decided that simply having relations with her prince and never marrying him was ok and never changed her mind. Not that I ever expect protagonists to be perfect or to emulate my own faith or morality, but I usually want to rally for my princess's hopes and needs. However, despite this there was an amazing set of chapters where Kasta, the main character, keeps a little girl alive while taking her across a mountain passage. That was thrilling and courageous and lovely.

Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George

I listened to this retelling of a fairytale on audible.com. It was a fantastic experience. I've read several other similar stories but I enjoyed this one abundantly. It needed a few more jokes, but other than that I liked it.

In the middle of:

Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila

This book was written to help Teresa's fellow sisters persevere in prayer and in the spiritual life. She gives very vivid descriptions of a person's journey into the depths of the soul in search of the Beloved. She uses the visual of aid of a castle and its many rooms to describe a person's progress, trials and joys. It is very good and not only because there is a castle involved.

Catholic Christianity by Peter Kreeft

I started this book ages ago. Kreeft helps explain the basic premises of the Catholic faith in a logical and lively manner. This is the kind of book where you can read a chapter here and there depending on your interest but I find that reading it all the way through is the most enriching. Kreeft has a particular talent in breaking down seemingly difficult ideas in to clear concepts.

Princess of Glass by Jessica Day George

A cute little fairytale book, obviously geared to a slightly younger audience that Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow. The language is a little simpler and a bit too 'cool' for my taste, but again I have soft spot for these kinds of books and I've been carrying it with me everywhere.

All The Reasons Why I'd Make a Terrible Nun

The other day during a Non-Harassment Seminar at work I was doodling (and listening at the same time!) and I began to think, wow, sisters and nuns with habits wear the same thing their entire lives! I asked myself if I could ever manage to do such a thing. Blue is my favorite color, I could probably stand to wear blue everyday for a very long time, I thought. So I began to sketch out a habit I could potentially see myself wearing forever until the day I died. The sketch that came out is the one on the left. Of course, I'd need a work day outfit with fewer layers so I fashioned another one right after in brighter colors. I'd be out in the sun, I imagined, so yellow would be perfect, and you know patterns are so cheerful I'll add some on the hem, as long as they hold some meaning to the Christian life I'm sure it would be ok.

Almost immediately, I came out of my silly daydream and laughed. I wanted to be a pretty, well-dressed nun! I have this immediate desire to want to beautify everything, which is not a bad thing, but habits are modest and practical for a reason. My little daydream was pure fantasy although it wasn't just composed of me having an awesome habit. Some of my core desires would have to change if I ever was called to the religious life, which I've always been ok with. I don't feel guilty that my desires haven't changed. These silly little day dreams are however a testament at how beautifully some of these sisters and brothers I've met live out their lives. Their testimonies do tempt me in a small ways to force my desires to change so I can live as they do, but I know it's not necessary because the Lord will call me to my own path and that path will be laid out especially for me because He knows best how to lead me on the road of sanctification.

More reasons I'd make a terrible nun:

a) Often, unfortunately, I think, ‘Ok, after I pray and meditate the Rosary, I can finish reading the end of my fantasy novel!!... Crap, I'm more excited about this silly novel than I am about spending some time with the Lord, man I suck...'
b) Bad circulation... too much kneeling makes me cry. Often I have to spend my prayer time with my legs propped up on some pillows so I'm not distracted by my legs complaining.
c) To my personal disdain, I'm more romantic than most, hence the love of fairytale based novels. I'm sure I'd forget myself if I saw a cute boy. I'd check to see if my hair looked ok and then I'd remember that I'm wearing a veil and that I'm a nun and that no you can't go to the ball with him.
d) I'd get kicked out like Maria Von Trapp for sneaking an afternoon in the mountains. Once in a while I get this spontaneous desire to disappear and go on an adventure.

And this is where my post crazy-day ramble ends.

Have a lovely day. For real.

Fabi